Today The NEW YORK TIMES ran an article bemoaning the waistline war Presidential candidates fight on the campaign trail. It likened running for the highest office to "entering a competitive eating contest and a beauty pageant all at once. I dare say, none of the candidates with the possible exception of Mitt Romney stand much of a chance of winning a beauty pageant, skinny or fat, so why not relax and participate in that most American of rituals, the holiday weight-gain.
Political primaries are a kind of time warp to a simpler era, a Norman-Rockwellized version of American politics in which things like kissing babies and pressing the flesh at a Veteran's Day parade actually do affect a candidates electability. In an endless round of county fairs, diner counter chats and picnics, Presidential hopefuls chow down on local fare like corn dogs, carmel corn and pie in an effort to say "I'm one of you." Meanwhile, campaign managers and image-makers complain that their candidate has precious little time to hit the gym on the campaign trail.
As a man of more generous proportions, I long for the days when big power meant big men. Men of varying degrees of pudginess like Presidents John Adams, Theodore Roosevelt, James Buchanan, Ulysses Grant, Grover Cleveland, and Benjamin Harrison have occupied the White House, some of them with much success. Even George Washington, contrary to popular depiction, sported the generous paunch of a country gentleman.
William Howard Taft was so large (335 pounds) that he once got stuck in his bath tub and required 6 White House footmen to pull him out. Taft, however, was a man of good humor who easily took political jabs at his weight and often joked about it himself. Once as a young lawyer, Taft visited a small town on legal business. When he finished, he found it was hours before the next train was due. After inquiries at the station, however, he learned that an express train was due in an hour but did not stop at this particular town. Mindful of his more than 300 pounds, he sent a wire to the division superintendent: "Will No. 7 stop here for a large party?" When the train stopped, Taft climbed aboard and told the astonished conductor: "You go ahead, I am the large party." God Bless you, William Howard Taft.
Sadly, Taft was the last of the jolly fat men in the White House. He was succeeded by the dour and skinny Woodrow Wilson, and thus began a century of Presidential anorexia. It wasn't until Bill Clinton that America saw again a President who genuinely loved to eat. In spite of his many flaws (and there are many), his love of fast food and disdain for exercise endeared him to ordinary Americans. Indeed, the Hillary Clinton campaign, has wisely made Bill's weigh issues a subject of two popular YouTube videos showing Bubba dreaming of burgers and onion rings under a Hillary-imposed diet and exercise regimen. What American husband can't relate to that?
In the constant effort by politicians to "look like America," doesn't it stand to reason that a Presidential candidate ought to resemble the 66% of our country who are overweight? Skinny Presidents are for places like France, not the USA, home of the big mac and the Philly cheese-steak. Who wouldn't love Rudy Guiliani even more if he looked more like Oliver Hardy and less like Nosferatu?
I'm not suggesting that Gov. Mike Huckabee regain all 110 of the pounds he shed in 2003 or that Gov. Bill Richardson bulk up on "Super Weight Gain Powder," but lighten up guys (figuratively, not literally). Not every aspect of your lives has to be completely micromanaged and disciplined. It certainly hasn't helped Hillary. Americans like a President with whom they can share a beer, and they don't want a President whose going to be counting the calories in a can of Budweiser.
We don't need our nation's leaders disappearing to jam a finger down their throat after every state dinner or going to rehab for "body image issues" any more than we want them dying of a heart-attack. Kate Moss is no more a role-model for Presidential candidates than she is a role-model for models, and I don't want to see Barack Obama on the cover of PEOPLE magazine alongside Lyndsey Lohan and Mark Kate Olson in skinny jail. So to all our Presidential hopefuls, enjoy the holidays, have an extra helping of turkey and another glass of eggnog. America will forgive you for it. We may even love you for it.